Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Shit Dwight Howard Would Wear

If you want to see things that a futuristic gambino would buy out of a trunk at Texaco, check out my new tumblr Shit Dwight Howard Would Wear

Good one, Gawker

          I love this article. Usually, I don't respond to articles that I love and am associated with. I just enjoy my day and eat Mamba gummies. Anything else would be uncivilized, but I have one beef. WHY THE FUCK AM I THE COVER PHOTO? 

The obvious answers are: Yes, that is me holding a cleaver in a photo. You got me. I tried to take the photo with a shitty telephone in my hand, but the photographer had me hold the cleaver. True Story. I also recognize that I was in the NYT Music article, but its very clear that amongst the cornball chefs that play air guitar or treat diners to the vocal stylings of the FUCKING FOO FIGHTERS, that I'm doing something different. You must inherently recognize that I'm the anchor in an otherwise shit storm of bad music taste cause you don't have a quote or comment from me in the article that supports your premise.

Go ahead. Go try to find a quote of mine where I talk about how much I love the Foo Fighters, how food is rock or even how much I love being a "Chef"? I don't claim it. I start tumblrs called Shit Dwight Howard Would Wear with my free time. I love food and love eating even more but as you astutely noted, EVERY ONE FUCKING LOVES FOOD. Every one can be a "chef", you have 3 classes a day (breakfast,lunch,dinner) and Master Splinter Ratatouille to learn from. I disagree that there's even a "jumping the shark" with food. Would you say the entire medium of Film jumped the shark with Eat, Pray, Love? No. Would we say Taco Bell jumped the shark with Dorito Tacos? No, they're fucking delicious. It's like the YumFoods answer to the McRib! Sustenance as a genre can not jump the shark, G. It's sustenance, we will always need it.

I have to say that there are a few people in the industry that I truly respect because they are trying to defend a culture (food), that means something to them. Pete Wells, Sam Sifton, Kat Kinsman, John T, Ligaya Mishan, Tony Bourdain, and Andrew Zimmern all come to mind but there are a lot of others too. You have Kenny Shopsin who refuses to be featured on TV, Newspapers, etc. and kicks customers out. But a distinction should be made. Just cause Pete writes for the times or Tony has 2 shows or Kenny hates anyone with a microphone, has no bearing on their credibility. Confusing the issue is just lazy. It is possible to be vocal, be heard, and still be honest. It's not fair to them or me to shit on the entire industry because there are a few parasitic assholes out there. Andy Ricker, Tyler Kord, Roy Choi, April Bloomfield, Peter Cho are others I admire, but they're not the entire list. Pretty much anyone in the entire borough of Queens that cooks and serves for a living is doing the damn thing. The problems you're talking about infect 5 neighborhoods in Manhattan and roughly 3 to 4 in Brooklyn, you can't take those transgressions and project it on every one in the business of food. And to be honest, if we play chicken or the egg, I'd blame the yelpers and customers who put pressure on chefs to deliver things at the prices they do. There is little to no money in this industry and when money dries up people put their hooker heels on.

The problem is that a lot of these peons want to get rich quick, write garbage cook books, and act like fools on network television. I didn't write a cookbook, I didn't do the Scripps show, and I stand behind Googamooga. It's a good fucking event with a lot of honest chefs who have a story to tell. It's well produced and we've all worked months on putting it together. Your article is dope, you got the traffic you wanted, but if you're going to hate the food scene for hyperbole and dishonesty, CHECK YOUR FUCKING SELF. That article has the same ethos as the things you're attacking. If you're gonna get on your PSA and announce the end of food as culture, get it fucking right. And I would say you got it right if my picture is replaced with Marcus Samuelsson's and Roy Choi's name is removed. But honestly, I'm kidding. It's a good article, even though you implicated an essential culture and probably don't realize the economic impact it will have on people who work in it, but it probably gives you a boner that you wield such power, so yea, put a sock on it. 

Monday, May 14, 2012

Girls: Episode 5

          This episode starts with a really painful dramatic reading of Hanna's Journal in front of Charlie and Marnie. “Just because someone is kind doesn’t mean they’re right.”
Marnie “This is not my journal! Those are not my feelings.”
Charlie “No, they are Hanna’s feelings about your feelings! It is a journal! Why would she lie in the journal! That is the point of the Journal. It is not to lie!”
           Of course, Hanna being the one person in the room that should shut the fuck up doesn’t know to shut the fuck up and blurts out “I don’t want to split hairs here, but it’s actually not a journal, it’s a note book. It’s notes for a book.” Hanna’s distinction then sets Marnie off “So you want the whole fucking world to hear all your valuable thoughts about MY relationship?”
“No, I’m just saying a Journal implies a 13 year old who rides horses and is obsessed with her Mom.” Charlie then tosses the entire apartment and carries out a coffee table he built for the Girls at which point Hanna cries domestic violence: “That’s the kind of thing you do right before you hit us! Don’t hit us!” This shit happens in Stuytown all the time. Dramatic 20-somethings who miss spending Friday nights crying at raves now spending Sunday nights screaming about domestic non-violence. HE THREW YOUR TRADER JOE’S MICROWAVE KHAO-SOI MEAL DOWN THE COMPACTOR CHUTE, it’s not domestic violence, it just means he doesn’t want to smell you farting galangal all night.
             We find Hanna at work trying to push a Banker’s Box into a wall which makes me think, Hanna could really use a helmet in life. HBO should make an app for this show called Angry Hanna where you slingshot wingless Hannas with Helmets on. I mean, she has the IQ of a Popeye’s biscuit and I love throwing those things at people. Meanwhile, Marnie has to ask Charlie’s friends where he lives because she’s never been. We arrive at Charlie’s apartment and it looks like a Lucky Peach Paradise with plywood structures purchased at Momofuku Furnishings. The bedroom kit probably comes with James Murphy under the bed, Aziz Ansari in the closet, and toilet water that smells like cereal milk mixed with the scent of David Chang’s shower sandals. Mmmm, makes me reminisce about Michael Jordan cologne. WHAT UP TASH!
                By the way, dudes, the most watchable part of the show was Marnie walking into Charlie’s apartment with 14 inch heels on. I was going to throw a milkshake, but then I remembered she was made with Brian Williams cake batter which then made me think of Walter Cronkite, at which point I decided it was better not to unleash the dragon because Charlie was about to say something poignant... “Look, we’re not grown ups. We don’t have kids. We don’t share a house. There is nothing keeping us together except that we have already been together for so long.” Wow, they finally did it... organic generational commentary that people can relate to. It is a defining decision of your 20s. Stick with your shawty from college and fade into Park Slope oblivion or “RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF LIGHT” (Dylan Thomas what up g?). The people that recognize Charlie’s sentiments spend the next 5 years of their lives on Okcupid killing the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday night game while our counterparts try to remember what it felt like to get topped off during fantasy football drafts in college... You don’t remember? Of course you don’t, but I was DEFINITELY drafting Michael Vick in the 6th round while you were jug-gl-ing. Cue Walking in the Sand! REMEMBER...

              We are transported back to the Girls’ college years and every thing makes sense. OF COURSE THEY WENT TO OBERLIN COLLEGE. These people all look like they’d be friends with Tyler Kord AND they name dropped Weather Up in episode 1. Is Tyler Kord ghost writing this show from a sub shop in Greenpoint? I think so. In the flashback, Marnie ate a pot Brownie and gets stuck standing against a pole when Jessa asks “Do you feel like your heart is just gonna fall out your vagina?”
“I want one!”
Why is Jessa not in more of this show? I love this woman. This is when Marnie meets Charlie. Stoned out of her mind stuck against a pole.
           He remembers... “You had these bangs and that head band and I swear to God you looked exactly like this girl that I saw in this porn. It was called Sophomore Sluts and I literally went back that night just to check it out cause I swear it was you!”
“You watch porn?”
“Yea, sometimes.”
“Why don’t you just like picture us... having sex?”
ARE YOU SERIOUS MARNIE? Why do you spend your evenings laying on a bed of phallic root vegetables looking at a poster of Booth Jonathon on your ceiling?
             Hanna decides that she should fuck her boss for “adventure”. I’m thinking “how is she going to be sexy and get his attention?” Oh, that’s right, by lifting the curtain on that Shady Brook Farms Frozen Turkey she’s been carrying around.
              As her boss, Rich, considers whether he wants to order a Turkey on Rye, Hanna gets down to brass tacks.
 "Be honest with me Rich, ok, drop the sandwich stuff. I know you want to fuck me."
What??? Did she just call him the rye?
"I'm a married man, Hanna... this is an inappropriate way to talk to your employer."
Hanna tells him it's ok to act on his fantasy: "Because I am gross and so are you..."
Rich starts laughing his ass off, clearly doesn't want it, at which Hanna threatens class-action suit and Rich has the best line on this show yet:
"Hanna, you barely have the wherewithal to get to work at 10 am let alone sue somebody. There's no suing app on your iphone."
WOW, they finally figured this show out. Blatant millenial jokes only work when it comes condescendingly from old people on the show, that's where it works! Rich is the mouthpiece for labeling, categorizing, and stereotyping the Girls... But the one problem is that Hanna quits her job.          
             Finally we get a good Jessa scene walking around McCarren Park with some dude that looks like he works at the Frank's restaurants. Denim, vest, derby hat, the whole prohibition Double RL train conductor meets mixologist thing. I couldn't hear anything they were saying. I was just amazed that there was a French girl in geisha costume with a waiter from Frank's enjoying a McCarren Park walking date, this shit was too perfect, they nailed it. THIS IS WHITE BROOKLYN. I was hoping artisanal pickles and baby bourbon would rain from the sky, but instead the train conductor fucks her from behind through a window and I'm hoping the whole time someone refers to his dick as Stumptown. That would be sooo Portland meets White Brooklyn. Don't you guys think it's funny when people from Portland want to take credit for the White Brooklyn movement? WHO THE FUCK WOULD WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT? I'd rather be responsible for St. Patrick's Day!?!?
                Shoshana watched the whole thing behind a curtain like a pre-war cockroach. "You're a bat shit little perv. I knew you were crazy, but fucking perv! Just so you know what you just saw. That was me showing that I can not be smoted. I am un-smoteable." If there was ever a pussy with a force field, it would be Jessa's, this pussy STAYS UNDEFEATED.
               Marnie is on top of Charlie... commence make-up sex. But of course, Charlie can't even shut up for 30 minutes of make-up sex. The whole time he says things like "Act like my life is real." Marnie, being the most understanding women in America at that moment lets him talk his ass off and tries to shut him up by putting his dillz in her mouth. It doesn't work. "And don't abandon me, ok, don't make me feel safe and then abandon me... Keep your face close to mine... I love you." WORDS THAT SHOULD NEVER COME OUT OF A MAN'S MOUTH. Marnie finally gets her mind right and declares "I want to break up." We get an AMAZING shot of them in this children's bunk bed, allegorical, metaphorical, mis-en-scene situation. Ohhh Lena, what a LAYERED SCENE.
                 Meanwhile at Adam's apartment, Adam wants no part of Hanna and starts to jerk off in front of her and asks Hanna, "You think I'm pathetic and disgusting?" "Yea because there's a woman standing less than 10 feet away from you and all you can do is play with your own cock." Hanna tries to play psychologist and tell Adam his dick isn't that big then reaches for the turkey neck under her skirt and Adam bugs out. "Don't do that!" Hanna realizes that Adam is a control freak who only gets turned on when that control is broken. That whole lose control to gain control thing that they tried to teach us in Moby Dick. She realizes this dude likes being dominated, takes the money in his drawer and breaks through his plaster mask. It's kinda hilarious cause Hanna looks like Grimace reprimanding a butt naked Ronald McDonald choking his McRib. Very un-Greenpoint of them to evoke McDondald's but they done did it mang and this show just got really good.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mom's Day

Mom is a HUGE @KerinRose fan so for Mother's Day we got her two styles.
ORLANDO IS NOT READY... I hope she rocks them with her FOB Visor at the SAME DAMN TIME